16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!