At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.