me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.