Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
You Might Also Like
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*