peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
new year update: losing everything but weight
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you