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Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“What?”
– Jude
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.