The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.