ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Dolls on drugs