if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick