An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.