Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Cashiers are always checking me out
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Do not steal food from the science building!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date