me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.