Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
it is time once again
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk