Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder