My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
🌱🌱🌱
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Spring cleaning checklist…