Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
my first dose meeting my second
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
reminder
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.