If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Yup
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water