No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?