🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.