*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I want to meet the individual who made this
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?