Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise