ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
me when I see my crush
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.