“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I am, perchance
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
She puts the hot in psychotic
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are