If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Shoo shoo! 😂
excuse me
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.