The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up