Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.