you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Just how popey was the pope today?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.