My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
You Might Also Like
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Easy enough.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats