Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor š
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
āDo you have reservations?ā
Yes, this place looks like a dump but Iām hungry.
My husbandās birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I aināt cray-cray, Iām inappro-pro.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. Thatās not your line, Todd.
My neighborās cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now thereās cat hair all over my genes.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and itās packed. Husband says weāll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me heās doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When you stop looking for it is when youāll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didnāt even know it.
Interviewer: āWhy did you leave your last job?ā
Me: āAfter coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.ā
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
In no functioning society should the sentence āSomeone stole my ape cartoonā be followed by ānow my life savings are goneā
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that Iām performing an autopsy.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
š¶ Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-ohā¦
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goinā?
MOON: Oh, um, Iām just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool Iāll come too.
MOON: No, no, thatās fineā¦
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: Thatās nice, Iām actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg thatās amazing, me too.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinkingā¦ āIām going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.ā
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.