Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*