I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
You Might Also Like
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.