Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
*gets down on one knee*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.