I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example