Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.