Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
scared to check what name she chose
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this