I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee