ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes