Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…