DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll