[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.