[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.