If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
You Might Also Like
I don鈥檛 understand what鈥檚 happening here.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y鈥橝LL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Getting older is weird.
It鈥檚 like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend鈥檚 mom鈥檚 cat.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
greetings!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Ingl茅s
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don鈥檛 have to put on pants