judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.