Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now