I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave