Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.