Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Best spoiler warning ever
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
how to market bottled water to dads
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Pretty much. 🤣