Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.