Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.