Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
finally found a reasonable question
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
worst…sale…ever
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.